The Aforementioned Story
So I'm watching TV with Maggie. News Radio, actually. It's the episode where John Ritter guest stars. He's explaining to Dave Foley that a long time ago he had a problem with sexual addiction. 'I would sleep with anyone: young, old, men, women, students, faculty...'
Dave looks at him in that characteristic way that demands to know why any of this should be his problem. Afterwards, John Ritter begins to leave the office, but stops and turns around. He comments that Dave has 'really nice hands' and the tone of his voice abounds with single-entendre.
The distaste is plainly visible on Dave's face as he retorts, 'You never resolved the aforementioned problem, did you?'
Maggie turns to me, blank of face, and asks: 'What's aforementioned? Does that mean bisexual?'
I try to choke back my laughter as I grasp the fact that she is in earnest. I stutter and I stammer and I try to regain my bearings. Perhaps she just misheard. I cautiously explain that it refers the problem that they had just been discussing.
'Right. That he's bisexual. So it does mean bisexual. Why can't they just say that?'
I feel like I'm trying to dig up, to get myself out of this pit. I tell her that it's the problem that came before.
'Oh!' she exclaims. 'I see, so aforementioned is a problem that already happened.'
Oh dear. This is going nowhere. I try my best to keep the irony out of my voice as I spell out that aforementioned means that which was mentioned before.
She lets out a big huff and demands to know why they have to go using big words that nobody understands anyway.
Later that day, I relate the story to another friend and we both enjoy a good laugh. When the laughter begins to subside, a startling truth wanders into my head uninvited.
'You do realise', I remark, 'that while she has a university degree, you and I both dropped out'.
Dave looks at him in that characteristic way that demands to know why any of this should be his problem. Afterwards, John Ritter begins to leave the office, but stops and turns around. He comments that Dave has 'really nice hands' and the tone of his voice abounds with single-entendre.
The distaste is plainly visible on Dave's face as he retorts, 'You never resolved the aforementioned problem, did you?'
Maggie turns to me, blank of face, and asks: 'What's aforementioned? Does that mean bisexual?'
I try to choke back my laughter as I grasp the fact that she is in earnest. I stutter and I stammer and I try to regain my bearings. Perhaps she just misheard. I cautiously explain that it refers the problem that they had just been discussing.
'Right. That he's bisexual. So it does mean bisexual. Why can't they just say that?'
I feel like I'm trying to dig up, to get myself out of this pit. I tell her that it's the problem that came before.
'Oh!' she exclaims. 'I see, so aforementioned is a problem that already happened.'
Oh dear. This is going nowhere. I try my best to keep the irony out of my voice as I spell out that aforementioned means that which was mentioned before.
She lets out a big huff and demands to know why they have to go using big words that nobody understands anyway.
Later that day, I relate the story to another friend and we both enjoy a good laugh. When the laughter begins to subside, a startling truth wanders into my head uninvited.
'You do realise', I remark, 'that while she has a university degree, you and I both dropped out'.
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